Regulate First, Then Reason: Coming Back to Thinking When Emotions Take Over

Written By Jules Rice

We’ve all been there.

Your heart is racing. Your thoughts feel jumbled or stuck. Words don’t come out the way you intend—or don’t come at all. In those moments, being told to “calm down,” “think it through,” or “just talk about it” often makes things worse.

That’s because when we’re emotionally dysregulated, our brain isn’t ready for thinking and reasoning yet.

Before we can problem-solve, reflect, or make decisions, we need to help our nervous system feel safer and more settled. Regulation isn’t a luxury—it’s a prerequisite.

Dysregulation Is Normal (and Human)

First, let’s name something important:
Being dysregulated doesn’t mean something is wrong with you.

It happens to all of us—children and adults alike. Stress, fatigue, hunger, sensory overload, conflict, fear, and even excitement can push our nervous system out of balance. Dysregulation is not a failure; it’s a signal.

When we normalize this, shame softens. And when shame softens, regulation becomes easier.

Make Regulation Easy and Fast—Especially in the Moment

When emotions are high, simple works best.

Regulation tools don’t need to be elaborate or time-consuming to be effective. In fact, the more accessible they are, the more likely we are to use them when we actually need them.

Think:

  • One slow breath instead of a long meditation

  • Putting your feet on the floor and noticing pressure

  • A sip of cold water

  • Naming one feeling instead of explaining everything

  • Stepping outside for fresh air

The goal isn’t to feel perfect—it’s to feel just regulated enough to come back online.

You Don’t Have to Regulate Alone: The Power of Co-Regulation

Humans are wired for connection. Often, the fastest way back to regulation is with another person.

It helps to pause and ask:

  • Who am I closest to when I’m overwhelmed?

  • Who helps me feel calmer just by being present?

  • What do they do that actually helps?

Some people help by:

  • Sitting quietly nearby

  • Offering gentle reassurance

  • Listening without fixing

  • Providing a hug or physical comfort (if welcomed)

  • Helping with practical needs like food, water, or space

Being clear about what helps you—and sharing that with trusted people—makes support easier in the moment.

Just as Important: Knowing What Doesn’t Help

Not all support feels supportive when emotions are high.

Part of emotional regulation is learning to identify what makes things harder, even when it’s well-intentioned.

In moments of dysregulation, these often don’t help:

  • Being rushed to explain or justify yourself

  • Problem-solving too soon

  • Lectures, logic, or “life lessons”

  • Minimizing feelings (“It’s not that bad”)

  • Too many questions

Knowing and naming what doesn’t help protects your nervous system—and helps others show up in ways that truly support you.

Regulation Comes First—Reasoning Comes Next

Once your body feels calmer, your brain can do what it does best:
reflect, plan, communicate, and solve problems.

Regulation isn’t about avoiding hard conversations or challenges. It’s about creating the conditions where those conversations can actually be productive.

So if you find yourself stuck, overwhelmed, or reactive, remember:

  • It’s okay. This happens.

  • Start small and simple.

  • Reach for connection when you can.

  • Give yourself permission to regulate first.

Thinking and reasoning will follow.

Try This Today: One Small Step Toward Regulation

You don’t need to change everything at once. Try just one of these the next time emotions start to rise:

  • Name it: Silently say, “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now.” Naming a feeling helps your brain slow down.

  • Breathe once on purpose: Inhale through your nose for 4, exhale through your mouth for 6—just one time.

  • Ground your body: Press your feet into the floor or your back into the chair and notice the support beneath you.

  • Use connection: Text or tell someone you trust, “I’m having a hard moment—can you sit with me or check in later?”

  • Pause the problem: Remind yourself, “I don’t have to solve this right now.” Regulation comes first.

These small actions help your nervous system settle enough so thinking and reasoning can return.

Reflection: Getting to Know Your Regulation Needs

When you’re feeling calm, take a few minutes to reflect on these questions. There are no right or wrong answers—this is about curiosity, not judgment.

  • How do I usually know when I’m becoming dysregulated?

  • What are two things that help me feel even a little more grounded?

  • Who is someone I feel safest with when I’m overwhelmed?

  • How can they help me regulate (quiet presence, listening, reassurance, space, touch)?

  • What tends to make things worse for me in the moment—even if it’s meant to help?

  • How can I communicate my needs ahead of time or during a calm moment?

Understanding your own patterns makes it easier to respond with compassion—toward yourself and others—when emotions run high.

Jules Rice